One Coffin Too Many Read online

  “ Oh, but I am. You did offer, didn’t you? Besides, the coffee down at the station is dreadful. I don’t think you’d appreciate it. The cops certainly don’t. “

  To emphasize the point Devoy took out his phone and switched it on.

  “ You don’t really want to go down to the station, do you? “ added Devoy.

  Cremin made a face.

  “ Very well then. “

  Cremin opened the door behind Devoy that lead out into the reception area.

  “ Margo, “ he called out. “ Would you mind going next door for a black coffee and two croissants for Inspector Devoy? You can take it out of petty cash. “

  “ But that’s not my job, Mr. Cremin. I….”

  Devoy put his head around the door.

  “ And make that two sugars, please, Margo. “ he added.

  “ Well…” she said.

  “ Please Margo. “ pleaded Cremin. “ Please do it. Just this once. “

  Cremin closed the door and headed back towards the other one.

  “ I’ll be some time, “ he said. “ Enjoy your breakfast, Inspector. “

  “ I will, thank you, Mr. Cremin. “

  Cremin was about to open the far door when Devoy called him back.

  “ Yes, “ asked Cremin?

  “ Is there anybody else you like to complain to, Mr. Cremin? I mean down at the station. “

  Cremin made a face.

  “ What makes you think I’d do that, Inspector? “

  Devoy shook his head.

  “ You’ve already done so, Mr. Cremin and something tells me you’d do it again. People like you think you are above the law by getting onto your cronies. But impeding the law could get you into hot water, Mr. Cremin, very hot water so do yourself a favour and forget it, okay? “

  “ As you wish. “ replied Cremin and opened the door.

  T en minutes passed. Devoy heard footsteps again in the passage and the door at the end opened. Cremin came in with cobwebs on his shoulders and a spider in what remained of his hair. Normally Devoy would have said something about the spider but he didn’t like Cremin and he’d nothing against spiders. Cremin set down on the table the large dusty file he was carrying and started to unwrap it.

  “ Bad news I’m afraid, Inspector. “

  “ Bad news. You mean there’s no croissants left? “

  Cremin gave him a pained look as if he was about to cry.

  “ The keys, “ he said. “ The keys are not longer there. They’re gone. “

  Devoy stood up.

  “ What do you mean, gone? “

  “ See for yourself. “

  He opened the file revealing a wad of yellowing paper tied together with string. He extracted a large buff envelope out of the pile and shook it onto the table.

  “ They were always in here, “ he said. “ See. You can see their imprint on the cardboard where they were attached to it. The wire is still there, though. This is terrible, “ he added. “ What are we going to do? “

  Devoy looked at the mass of papers.

  “ And what’s all this? “ he asked.

  “ Those, “ replied Cremin, “ are the details of every funeral relating to the Marshall family going back years and even before my time. “

  “ I see. May I? “ he said, reaching for the papers.

  Suddenly the door from the reception opened and Margo came in carrying a cardboard tray with a plastic cup of coffee along with two croissants. She slammed it down on the table as if it were hot.

  “ There’s your coffee and croissants, Inspector, sir, “ she said sarcastically. “ I’d like you to know I had to queue for nearly ten minutes. “

  Devoy could see she was furious. He ran his eye up and down her beautiful silhouette. She didn’t appreciate his interest.

  “ And there’s your two sugars, “ she added taking two sachets out of her skirt pocket and throwing them on the table.

  “ Thank you, Margo, “ Devoy said with a smile.

  “ It’s Mrs. Walsh to you, Inspector, “ she replied, turning on her heel and slamming the door behind her.

  Both men looked at the door for a few seconds as if they expected it to open again.

  “ I’d hate to be waiting for my dinner from her. “ exclaimed Devoy.

  “ Please, Inspector, “ pleaded Cremin. “ Don’t say anything else. You’ve no idea. “

  “ Fair enough, “ replied Devoy.

  “ Well, I suppose I’d better take this back downstairs, “ asked Cremin?

  Devoy shook his head.

  “ No, leave it there. Don’t touch it again. Your prints are all over it and hopefully so are the prints of whoever touched it all those years ago. What I want you to do is get me a large envelope. ”

  We’ve got loads of plastic ones for…”

  Devoy held up his hand.

  “ Please don’t tell me what they are for. I’m going to have my breakfast. How about paper ones? Have you got any like that - large enough to accommodate this file. I’m taking it downtown to have it examined for fingerprints if that’s alright with you? You never know what might turn up. “

  “ No, go ahead. Do what you have to do, Inspector. I’ll be glad to co-operate in any way. “

  “ That’s good to hear, Mr. Cremin. Good to hear. “

  “ Well, where do we go from here? “ asked Cremin.

  “ I’m going to have my breakfast and you’re going to go back to your files and dig out every funeral that you dealt with over the past twenty years that ended up in that cemetery. “

  “ The past twenty years! But other undertakers dealt with funerals that ended up in that cemetery. We’re not the only establishment – there are loads of others and not only from around here. “

  “ I realize that, Mr. Cremin. But what you’re forgetting is that you’re the only one with the keys to that mausoleum or at least you were, so that puts you right in the spot. What I want to know is how many funerals ended up in that cemetery and that cemetery alone that came from here. Got it? “

  “ Christ! That’ll take days. “

  “ I don’t care how long it takes, Mr. Cremin. I want it done and the sooner the better. You know what the alternative is. “

  “ You don’t have to spell it out for me, Inspector. I had plans. “

  “ Right, well everybody has plans. I had plans to do nothing and now on a Saturday morning I’m up to my neck in some sort of local mystery. Don’t tell me about plans, Mr. Cremin. “

  “ Well at least you could have some sympathy for me. I’m not some sort of criminal, you know. This has all fallen onto my lap and I’m at a loss to know why. It’s just not fair and you’re being very hard on me. “

  Devoy decided to ease off.

  “ Look I’m seeing Mr. Marshall first thing Monday morning. He’ll want to know how things are progressing. You know what these people are like. If it gets about on the well-to-do circuit that strange coffins are turning up in the vaults of the gentry, heaven only knows what the results will be. The papers will have a feeding frenzy. People will start wondering where their loved ones are buried if they’re buried at all. They’ll be demanding exhumations left, right and centre to see who’s who and who’s where. You know what people are like, Mr. Cremin. They like to think their loved ones are resting in peace in the place they paid for and not some other place. And that’s just your former clients. Wait till the government gets a hold of this. There’ll be hell to pay. “

  Cremin startedto wring his hands in despair.

  “ And another thing. “

  “ Yes, “ whined Cremin.

  “ Employees. That key could only have been taken by somebody within this establishment. Somebody with access to the files. I need a list of all your employees going back twenty years. I want their names, telephone numbers and addresses. Can you furnish me with that? “

  “ Mrs. Walsh usually deals with payroll and related matters. I’ll ask her to get onto it. “

  “ Good, you do that M
r. Cremin. “

  Devoy finished his coffee and croissants and headed out into the reception area. Margo gave him daggers looks.

  “ I believe you want a list of all our employees past and present, Inspector? “ she said in a nice tone.

  “ That’s right, Mrs. Walsh. “ Going back twenty years. “

  “ I’ll get onto it first thing Monday morning. “

  “ Well no, Mrs. Walsh. I want it before then. “

  Mrs. Walsh looked at her watch.

  “ But this is Saturday, Inspector. I finish work at noon. “

  “ It’s a police matter now, Mrs. Walsh. Time is of the essence. Mr. Cremin will explain everything to you. “

  “ Very well, then, Inspector. I’ll see to it right away. “

  Devoy handed her a card.

  “ All my contact numbers are here including a fax line to the station. “

  She took the card from him.

  “ Oh, one more thing. Could you get me the telephone number and address of Bob Kennedy? I believe he’s not working today. “

  Margo tapped into her computer and within a minute produced Kennedy’s name.

  “ Thank you Mrs. Walsh. I really appreciate it. “

  “ Don’t mention it, Inspector. Glad to be of service. “

  Her gave her a smile and turned to go out the door. As he reached he heard her call out.

  “ Oh, Inspector Devoy, “ she said.

  Devoy turned to face her.

  She was all smiles.

  “ I almost forgot, sir. “

  “ Forgot what? “

  “ There was a lady looking for you some time ago. She said it was urgent. “

  “ Oh, that must have been Detective Moore. You should have called me. She’s my assistant. “

  Mrs. Walsh shook her head.

  “ No, this lady was wearing a uniform. Besides, I didn’t want to disturb you while you were enjoying your coffee and croissants. “

  “ Oh, that was thoughtful of you, Mrs. Walsh. “

  “ Don’t mention it, sir. “

  “ A uniform. You mean she was a policewoman? “

  “ No, Inspector. A traffic warden. She said she was leaving a message for you on your windscreen. “

  “ Oh, right. A traffic warden. Gotcha. “

  Devoy went back to the door and peered out. A paper clad in plastic was under one of the windscreen wipers. Devoy opened the door and went out. He lifted the wiper but he already knew what it was: he had been issued a parking ticket.

  He turned around and went back up to the window of the undertakers. Mrs. Walsh was busy typing on her computer. He stared until he got her attention. She paused suddenly and then looked in his direction. She gave him a big smile and a wave and then resumed typing.

  I think I asked for that, he concluded. Bloody women!

  Devoy parked up the street from the house where Bob Kennedy lived. It was a quiet neighbourhood of terraced houses which all looked alike. No kids played on the street which was cluttered with ageing cars and battered dustbins. Devoy had the impression that the residents had turned their backs on the locality.

  He rang the doorbell and heard cheering and roaring inside. After a while a woman answered the door. She looked at him with suspicious eyes as if she were expecting trouble.

  “ Good morning, “ Devoy said and he heard a crowd roar from within the house.

  “ Yes, “ she asked?

  “ I’d like to speak to Mr. Kennedy. Mr. Bob Kennedy. I believe he works for Fallon’s Funeral Home. “

  The woman continued to stare at Devoy.

  “ It’s his day off, Mister…..”

  Devoy took out his police ID and held it up to her face.

  “ Oh, “ she said, “ Oh, a policeman. “

  She retreated back into the hallway and opened a door at the end. Devoy saw her mouth moving but he couldn’t hear her with the noise of the match.

  She entered the room and the sound was cut.

  “ What the fuck did you do that for? “ he heard a man say. “ This is my day off. I always watch a match on Saturday morning. It’s a ritual. You know that. This is coming all the way in from Italy for fuck’s sake. I’m paying for this. “

  The woman said something. Devoy couldn’t make out what she was saying.

  “ A cop! You’re kidding me. Jesus, what did I do now? Can’t the working man have a day off? “

  “ Well go and ask him? “

  The woman stood aside as an overweight man clad in a blue tracksuit pushed past her and came up to Devoy in a cloud of stale sweat and cheap aftershave.

  He nodded at Devoy as if he knew him.

  “ My God, “ he said. “ they’re really bringing up the big guns now and on a Saturday morning, too. A detective inspector, no less. If this is about that hatchet-faced bitch of a traffic warden I still maintain I was in the right. Anyway, Cremin said he’d sort it out. I don’t know why you’re bothering me on my day off. I really don’t. “

  Devoy was perplexed.

  “ I haven’t a notion what you’re talking about, Mr. Kennedy. I don’t know who this hatchet-faced woman is you’re referring to? “

  “ I see, “ replied Kennedy, taken aback. “ So what’s all this about, then? What am I supposed to have done wrong this time? I mean…“

  “ It’s about the cemetery, Mr. Kennedy. You gave Kevin Wade a hand with a coffin yesterday morning? “

  “ That’s right. So? “

  “ Who asked you to do that? “

  “ Mr. Cremin. Said we had to get the coffin out of the way before the funeral of Mrs. Marshall took place otherwise there’d be shit. “

  “ I see. “

  “ Look, do you want to come in. I’d like to see the match while we’re talking if you don’t mind. “

  “ No problem. It won’t take long. “

  Devoy followed Kennedy down the corridor and into the room. Kennedy sat himself in front of the enormous TV and picked up a can of beer. Devoy sat at right angles to him.

  “ Want one, “ asked Kennedy? “

  Devoy shook his head. He was fascinated by the size of the TV and the stadium portrayed on the screen. The atmosphere enthralled him. There were flags everywhere. He had the impression he was somewhere in Italy. He wished he was.

  “ Where’s this coming from? Who’s playing? “

  “ Milan. Inter Milan is playing Flor…. it doesn’t matter. I’m supporting Milan. These fellas are artistes. Just look at that them. Just look at that skill. You wouldn’t see anything like that around here. Christ, I’d give a lot to be there instead of just watching it on TV. “

  Devoy watched the match for a few minutes before Kennedy interrupted him.

  “ Fire away, Inspector. I’m all ears. “

  “ About the coffin you shifted. I was wondering did you notice anything strange about it? “

  Kennedy thought a while and then shook his head slowly as he concentrated on the game.

  “ Nah. Apart from the fact it was foreign and weighed a ton. Nothing in particular. “

  “ When you say it weighed a ton what do you mean by that? Do you think there was something other than a body in there? “

  “ It was bloody heavy. That’s all. But them foreign coffins usually are. You see they’re lead-lined otherwise they’d stink to high heaven if you get my drift. “

  “ I see. How did you know it was foreign? “

  Kennedy gave Devoy a questioning look.

  “ Look, Inspector, I’ve been in this business all my life – well at least since I was thirty or so. Always plenty of work, so to speak, dead cert, if you get my drift?”

  Kennedy gave a little laugh and took a swig of the beer.

  “ But to get back to your question I’d know a foreign one when I see one. You don’t see many down here but up in Dublin or at the regional airports come summer time they start coming in. The Canaries in particular. Places like that. Too much alcohol and too much heat and too much sport and kaput a
nd not just the golf course if you get my drift. Know what I mean? “

  Devoy nodded as if he was aware what Kennedy was getting at.

  “ And you’re sure about that? “

  “ As sure as my name’s Bob Kennedy. “

  “ So, apart from that nothing struck you as odd, out of place? Just another foreign coffin. Is that it? ”

  Kennedy shook his head.

  “ Nothing that comes to mind. Mind you we were in a hurry. Had to get the place all spick and span before her ladyship turned up. “

  Devoy stood up.

  “ Well I won’t bother you any longer, Mr. Kennedy. Thanks for the information. I’m sorry I interrupted your Saturday morning. Look, here’s my card. If you think of anything give me a shout. Okay? “

  Out in the hallway Devoy paused.

  “ Oh yeah. This hatchet-faced woman you were referring to, Mr. Kennedy. She wouldn’t by any chance patrol outside your employers. “

  “ The very same, Inspector. The very same. A bitch and ugly to boot. No respect for the dead. Why? Do you happen to know her by any chance? “

  “ You could say that, Mr. Kennedy. You could say that. “

  The door closed behind him and Devoy heard Kennedy belch and fart.

  He made his way up the street and was about to get in the car when he heard footsteps behind him. Kennedy came running up to him out of breath.

  “ I just remembered something, Inspector. “ he panted, out of breath. “ Something that struck me as odd about the coffin. “

  “ Oh, like what? “

  “ The dust and cobwebs. There was hardly any dust and cobwebs on it. You know, very little grime. Like it had been polished. I thought that strange, Inspector. Really strange. Very little dust and cobwebs. Weird if you ask me. “

  “ A coffin? I don’t think so, Inspector Devoy. “

  Devoy took his eyes off the coming and goings of small aircraft out on the runway of the local aeronautic club.

  Behind him James McFadden, Secretary of the club was perusing a ledger.

  “ I don’t see how anybody could get a coffin of all things into one of these planes. There’s only room for two persons, maybe even four with a larger plane. “

  “ And if they took out the passenger seat and any other seats? “

  “ Well I suppose they could at a pinch but the plane would be lopsided. “