One Coffin Too Many Read online

  “ A crime scene! You must be kidding. Nobody’s been killed. “

  “ Oh really? So how do you account for this coffin? Are we just talking about incompetence here or what? Do I get the odour of corruption? Somebody on the take? “

  “ Incompetence? Somebody on the take? I don’t get you, Inspector. “

  “ Do I have to spell it out for you, Mr. Wade? “

  “ I don’t know what you’re referring to, Inspector? I’m an honest man. I keep good records. “

  “ Well when you have one coffin too many, Mr. Wade, it suggests somebody paid for a grave and didn’t get one. The coffin was dumped in here no questions asked. The other conclusion is that there was a mix-up or a screw-up. And of course somebody might have been trying to cover up a murder. Somebody benefitted, Mr. Wade and I’m going to find out. “

  “ So what do you want me to do? “

  “ I want you to check out everything going back the last twenty years. I want to know who was buried here, who did the burying, who arranged the funerals and so on. And I want it by Monday. “

  “ You’re kidding? “

  Devoy brought his face up to Wade’s.

  “ Listen, Mr. Wade. I’m a cop. A Detective Inspector and I’m not kidding. Do you understand that? If you want kidding you go to a circus. I’m deadly serious. “

  “ But I have plans for the weekend, Inspector. “ protested Wade. “ I’ve got tickets for a match. “

  “ You’re not listening to me, Mr. Wade. I don’t care if you’ve got an audience with the Pope. You’re in deep trouble, Mr. Wade. Has that sunk in yet? “

  Wade nodded.

  “ Very well, then. “

  “ Good. I have your attention at last. Let me have a look at your file? “

  Wade handed him the file.

  Devoy flicked through it.

  “ These are just photocopies, Mr. Wade. Where are the originals? You must have a ledger of some sort detailing with the comings- and–goings of the cemetery otherwise you wouldn’t be able to make sense of things. “

  Wade made a face.

  “ In the office. Where else? “

  “ Where else indeed! Who’s your employer, Mr. Wade? “

  “ The Town Hall. “

  “ Good. Get onto them right away and tell them you’ll need overtime for the weekend. If they want to know why tell them to get onto me. “

  “ But it’s Saturday, Inspector. There’ll be nobody there. “

  “ Well I’ll leave that to you, Mr. Wade. You’ll square it with whoever’s in charge. I’m sure there’s an emergency number somewhere. “

  Wade nodded his head.

  “ Now, “ continued Devoy, “ a team of technicians is going to go through the cemetery today looking for clues, anything unusual, that sort of thing. I want you to be available to let them in and let them out. And that includes the mausoleum. You’ll be available, of course, won’t you? “

  Wade nodded his assent.

  “ You’ll liaise with Detective Moore here. She’s taking over from me. Do you understand that, Mr. Wade? “

  Wade nodded again.

  Devoy told him that would be all.

  Wade walked off in the direction of his cottage.

  “ What do you think, Angela? “ Devoy asked Moore.

  She shrugged her shoulders.

  “ Hard to tell. It certainly is odd but I don’t think Wade is involved. He doesn’t strike me as the type to get involved in something murky. Maybe his father was up to something years ….”

  The rest of her sentence was drowned out as a small plane came out low over the trees. Both detectives ducked involuntarily.

  “ Christ, he’s low, “ shouted Devoy over the noise. “ What’s he doing? Spraying crops or something? “

  “ Doubt it, “ replied Moore. “ There’s an aerodrome over there beyond the cemetery. But you’re right. He’s low. “

  “ Well now, “ said Devoy. “ Isn’t that Interesting, Detective Moore? “

  Detective Moore looked at her boss and smiled. She suspected he was already putting two and two together.

  “ So what do you want me to do now, boss? “

  Devoy ran his tongue over his teeth and closed his eyes.

  “ This is what I want you to do, Detective Moore, Angela. “

  Devoy outlined what he wanted done.

  “ And you? “ asked Detective Moore.

  “ I’m heading downtown. It’s time I paid the undertakers a visit? “

  ✽✽✽

  CHAPTER 2

  When Devoy pulled up outside Fallon’s Funeral Home a traffic warden was putting the finishing touches to a parking ticket which she promptly attached to the windscreen of the car in front of Devoy.

  “ Busy day? “ asked Devoy when he saw the woman perusing his car.

  “ Only if somebody parks on a double yellow like you’re doing now, sir. “ she replied turning a new page and readying her biro.

  Devoy took out his police ID and flashed it at her.

  “ I’m on police business, “ he replied, “ and I’m going to be here a while. “

  “ They all say that, sir, “ she retorted. “ I’m still issuing you a ticket if you park here. “

  “ You’ve got to be kidding! Issuing a parking ticket to a police officer – an inspector to boot. You’re looking for trouble, Madam. “

  She shook her head.

  “Orders are orders, sir. My boss says I’ve to give everyone a ticket that is parked illegally and they can sort it out later with the judge. “

  “ Your boss is a prick if you don’t mind me saying so, Madam. “ replied Devoy. “ Now I’m going to be some time in there on a case and if I come out and find a ticket on my windscreen you and your boss are going to be spending the night in a jail cell for obstructing the course of justice and need I remind you it’ll be for the weekend with all the low-life we collect tonight including ladies of the night, drunks and other low-life. Do you understand? “

  The traffic warden was undeterred.

  “ Be that as it may, sir I’m giving you fair warning. “

  “ I suppose you’re going to bingo tonight, Madam? That would be your night out. Bingo. Would I be right? “

  The traffic warden shook her head slowly.

  “ Nothing of the sort, sir. You may think I’m not much dressed as I am in this uniform but when I’m dolled up and rid of these glasses and dancing the tango you’d be surprised. “

  Devoy made a face as if disgusted.

  “ Would I? Dancing the tango? As far as I remember you need two people to tango. “

  “ That’s true, “ she continued, ignoring his sarcasm. “ It’s amazing what a tight black skirt with a split up the sides and high heels will do for a lady not to mention the men. “

  Devoy gave her a look of disgust.

  “ Really? “ asked Devoy? This is when the pubs close, I suppose? “

  “ I’ll ignore that like the lady I am. Besides, the pubs don’t close anymore. You’re out of date, Inspector, sir. Maybe you should do the decent thing and take your pension. “

  “ Well hurrah then for myopia, Madam. Hurrah. “

  The warden looked at him in a questioning fashion.

  “ I don’t know what myopia is, Inspector but I have the feeling you’re being unkind – maybe even unpleasant and ungentlemanly. Has anybody ever told you you are not a nice person? “

  Devoy laughed.

  “ Sure. Lots of them, Madam. Lots of them. It comes with the job. But guess what? They are behind bars I’m glad to say – metal ones! So look out, Madam even if you’re wearing a tight skirt with splits up the sides! It won’t do you any good in jail. The cells are a bit too small for dancing. And your cell mates would hardly appreciate your sexy get-up if you get my drift. “

  “ It’s Miss if you really want to know, Inspector. Miss! “

  “ On the shelf then, Miss? It shows. Bad shelf life. “

  She snapped her book shut
and sauntered off. Devoy watched her continue down the street examining other cars.

  A tight skirt with splits up the sides and high heels, he said to himself. She must be joking. Silly old cow.

  His nose then began to twitch as it caught the aroma of newly-baked bread and freshly-brewed coffee. His stomach started to grumble. A bakery next door to the undertakers was advertising takeaway coffee. He wondered had he the time to indulge himself but then thought better of it.

  He entered Fallon’s Funeral Home.

  As he crossed the threshold a bell announced his arrival. Devoy spotted the Dolly Parton look-a-like behind the raised reception desk before she saw him. She was wearing some type of telephonic headgear and was speaking into it. He heard her say: yes, it’s a 24 hour, seven day service. We’re always available. Her voice was soothing and comforting. He imagined the effect she’d have on men listening to her on the telephone.

  She was dressed in a tight black skirt which showed off her figure and a striking red polo neck that matched her lipstick and nails. As she turned to greet him her massive mammaries swivelled like twin cannons on the turret of a destroyer. Eventually Devoy brought his eyes up to hers. She peered at

  him through her black designer spectacles as if questioning his existence. Attractive women wearing spectacles always turned him on.

  “ Good morning, sir, “ she said. “ Can I help you? “

  “ Indeed you can, Madam. I’d like to speak to whoever’s in charge. “

  “ Have you an appointment, sir? “ she asked.

  Devoy took out his police ID.

  “ Detective Inspector Devoy. No. “

  First she examined the card and then looked down at something out of sight of Devoy on her desk.

  The doorbell rang again and a group of people entered the reception area. They stood behind Devoy waiting their turn to be seen to.

  “ I’m afraid there’s nobody available this morning, sir. Can you tell me what it’s about? “

  “ Oh, I was under the impression it was a 24 hour, seven day service. Maybe I didn’t hear you properly….”

  The blond hummed and hawed. Obviously Wade had been on to her boss who was skulking somewhere in the back.

  “ Oh, sir, it is. Perhaps you can tell me what it is about? Has somebody just died? “

  “ Well not quite, Madam. The ‘ somebody ‘ in question has been dead for some time. It’s just their coffin hasn’t found a resting place yet. It’s like one of those horror films they screen late on a Friday night only difference is that it’s happening in our town. There’s an investigation going on and like I said I’m a Detective Inspector. Need I say more? “

  There was a wave of whispers behind him as those waiting took this in.

  The blonde’s bright red lips formed a perfect O as she uttered ‘ oh ‘ a few times.

  Her hand suddenly darted down and Devoy heard a number being tapped out.

  “ Yes, “ she said into the mouthpiece. “ Detective Inspector Devoy. Very well, then. “

  She disconnected from her switchboard and came out from behind her desk on stiletto heels and ushered Devoy into an adjoining room.

  “ Please wait here, “ she implored with a troubled look in her eyes. “ Someone will see you shortly, Inspector. “

  Devoy brushed past her beautiful chest and found himself in some sort of conference room with a long table and chairs. There were no windows and the panelled walls carried pictures of hunting

  scenes with elongated horses and riders jumping over hedgerows. Devoy thought of Oscar Wilde’s remark about the unmentionable in pursuit of the uneatable and laughed.

  Devoy took a seat and sat down. A brochure lay on the table outlining various types of services for the dead . He flicked through it but no prices were mentioned. A few minutes later he heard footsteps approaching from somewhere behind the walls . A concealed door set into the panelling suddenly opened at the far end of the room. A man entered wearing a black suit, white shirt and black tie. Devoy stood up and extended his hand. The man ignored Devoy’s gesture and started to adjust his rimless glasses as if to get a better view of Devoy. Devoy immediately categorized him as a fussy, self-important type and probably a lousy employer to boot.

  “ Mr. Fallon? “ Devoy asked.

  The man shook his head.

  “ Mr. Fallon is no longer here, Inspector Devoy. He’s retired. I took over from him some years ago. Bought him out in fact. “

  “ I see. So where is he now? “

  The man shrugged his shoulders.

  “ Can’t really say. Probably in some nursing home somewhere – maybe the Old Convent. “

  “ And you are? “

  “ My name’s Cremin and I’m the owner of this establishment. And I’d like to state right away that Superintendent O’Shea won’t be too impressed with your behaviour out in our reception area. “

  “ Oh, really. “

  “ Yes, really. Scaring away prospective clients with some cock –and- bull story about a coffin is just not on, Inspector. Just not on. “

  “ Oh, is that so? “

  “ Indeed it is. I’ll be making my displeasure known to Superintendent O’Shea the next time we play golf. “

  Devoy laughed.

  “ What’s so funny? “ demanded Cremin, his cheeks reddening.

  “ You. If you want to communicate with Superintendent O’Shea you’d better get yourself a medium. O’Shea teeded off for the last time about six weeks ago down in the Algarve. That’s in the south of Portugal in case you’re not aware. Seems the whole area is just one big golf course. But you’d know that, wouldn’t you, being a golfer. Heart attack. He’s dead, Mr. Cremin, dead and buried. Buried down there near his holiday home and probably near a golf course for good measure. And who could blame the O’Shea family? Maybe his widow didn’t fancy having his remains in a lead-lined coffin

  disappear in a local graveyard back here. That wouldn’t do at all now, Mr. Cremin, would it? The remains of local notables getting lost or mislaid and ending up in Gothic mausoleums in run down parts of a cemetery. God forbid. What next? Am I getting through to you, Mr. Cremin, or would you like me to spell it out for you down at the station. I’m told the atmosphere down there is very conducive to those who have problems with loss of memory. I don’t mind. The choice is yours. “

  Cremin’s jaw dropped and his mouth gaped open like a caught fish.

  “ You don’t seriously think this firm is responsible for that incident in the mausoleum? “

  “ I don’t know what to think, Mr. Cremin. But what I do know is that only three parties have access to that mausoleum: the Marshall family; the caretaker, Mr. Wade; and this establishment. I want you to produce those keys– now. I also want to have a look at the Marshall family file. “

  “ Can’t it wait until Monday? I’m a very busy man. I’m dealing with a client. “

  “ Well I hope your client is dead, Mr. Cremin. The living can’t wait. “

  “ But surely you need a search warrant for this sort of thing? “

  Devoy shook his head.

  “ You’re misinformed, Mr. Cremin. Misinformed. I have no intention of searching the premises. You’re going to do that. You’re helping the police or at least cooperating with them. However, if you think I need a search warrant then say so. It’ll take me a while to drum one up but you’ll have to accompany me to the station while a team of detectives go through here. Needless to say there will be some disruption and perhaps unwanted publicity. It’s a small town, Mr. Cremin. You understand? You know what a feast the media will make out of this and if they get their teeth into you there’s no telling where it will all end. On the other hand….”

  Devoy let the threat hang in the air.

  “ Oh we can’t have that. “ uttered Cremin. “ Please. That would be a disaster. “

  “ Well cooperate then, Mr. Cremin. Mr. Wade may not have explained it to you over the phone but you could be in trouble for not disclosing the findin
g of an unaccounted coffin to the proper authorities. “

  “ How did you know that…”

  “ Please Mr. Cremin. I wasn’t born yesterday. “

  “ So why didn’t you get onto us, then? “

  “ We did. “

  “ Yes, but you took your time doing it. Why? Why the delay? And you left it to Wade to sort things out. Am I missing something here? Something to do with the Marshall family, perhaps or has your establishment something to hide? “

  Cremin shrugged his shoulders.

  “ We didn’t think it was important at the time. That’s all. Besides we had a funeral to consider. “

  “ Yes, the late ‘ Madame ‘ as she like to be referred to wouldn’t have been happy with any disruption now, would she? “

  “ You’re well informed, Inspector about the Marshall family. “

  “ It’s amazing what a police presence will do, Mr. Cremin. People will say anything to get themselves off the hook. You’re still on the hook for the moment. “

  Cremin nodded his head as if he regretted the whole matter.

  “ Well, I better get going. It’ll take me some time to locate the file. I’ll have to go down to the basement. It’s been years. “

  “ I’ll wait, “ answered Devoy and he sat down again.

  Cremin made for the door. He paused and turned back.

  “ I’d offer you a tea or coffee , Inspector , “ Cremin said in a contrite tone, “ but unfortunately the machine’s out of order. “

  “ Don’t worry about it, Mr. Cremin. These things happen. There’s a bakery just outside. They’re selling coffee to take away now. I’d like a black coffee and two croissants. I haven’t had much of a breakfast, you see. This is supposed to be my day off but Detective Moore said it was important. Got me out of the sack pronto. Detective Moore is a woman – local girl, you see. You know women, Mr. Cremin. Everything has to be done yesterday. Anyway she had the place sealed off when I got there. In fact there’s a team of technicians combing the graveyard now searching for clues and who knows maybe other coffins. “

  “ And you want me to get you coffee and croissants now? You can’t be serious? “